yummy liquid Play-Doh

I went to a raw foods restaurant for the first time recently. Sure glad I did that — I had always wondered what liquid Play-Doh tastes like. Now that I know, all I have to say is … why, people, why? Good people of the world, unite in the name of taste and stop the raw thing. It might be good for you, but let’s be honest — is it really worth it? There are plenty of other healthy food alternatives that are actually cooked. Cooked in all kinds of ways in fact. Steamed. Braised. Roasted. Sautéed. All of them tasty. Raw … not so much.

Let me just read off the ingredients of a Raw foods cookie — an Oreo wannabe that purports to mimic the taste but in a healthier manner. Soaked Almonds, cashews, raw coconut, apple carob, raw honey, vanilla. Makes your mouth water, doesn’t it? Definitely beats the dual chocolate cookies with frosting in the center. I’d rather have apple carob (whatever that is!) any day.

For those interested in cooking raw, how about Raw Sonoran Blend Mesquite Pod Meal. Doesn’t the name alone just make you want to run right out and buy up as much as you can find? How about the fact that it’s made from a blend of ground seeds and pods from two kinds — TWO! — of Mesquite Trees. It’s a great substitute for Carob in case the aforementioned apple carob doesn’t do it for you — does that help?

The idea behind raw foods is to preserve the natural enzymes; the raw foods movement says that all cooked food above 118 degrees is devoid of enzymes, and that cooking food to this level changes its molecular structure and renders it toxic. Toxic. Not less appetizing, or less nutritious or less anything. Toxic. These raw foods people mean business.

But the most vocal of raw food enthusiasts seem to be pushing much more than a good recipe. There seems to be an anger behind the idea — an aversion to anything un-raw — which makes me wonder: Is raw food just a personal choice or is it becoming more like a political platform? Is it a fad, a lifestyle, a movement, a religion even? Do an online search and see what you think. Or check out a couple of the books written on the subject, with titles like, "Nature's First Law: The Raw-Food Diet", or my personal fave, "Blatant Raw-Foodist Propaganda". At least that author has a sense of humor.

Personally, I think food that’s not cooked over 118 degrees isn’t much worth eating, but that’s just me. Which brings me to a very important point. What ever happened to the idea of “To each his own?”. I don’t care of you want your food prepared raw, dyed blue, served on a bed of reconstituted kelp, or pulverized into mush. Your food, your choice. It’s when your food choices start to impede upon my good time — like when I’m trying to enjoy my braised veal and you’re shouting about not eating anything with a face — that I start to have a problem.

You see, I’m the biggest foodie you’ll ever meet, and I’ll try just about anything. I consider myself a carnivore of the highest variety, and I’m proud of it. I don’t restrict by color, temperature, origin, or any other classification really. However, I have the utmost respect for those who live differently, and I would never try to convince a raw food enthusiast to “Live cooked” any more than I would want to be commanded to “Live raw”.

I don’t want your choices shoved down my throat, along with your uncooked meal. So let’s make a deal. You don’t force-feed me seed balls while imploring me about the evils of things like filet mignon, mashed potatoes containing actual cooked and mashed potatoes, and Diet Coke even, and I won’t sneak ground sirloin into your dehydrated veggie burgers.

My personal opinion: raw foods are for rabbits. If I wanted to live without electricity, I’d be Amish. Give me a Viking stove, and I’ll make you a meal fit for royalty. Give me another bowl of that liquid Play-Doh-inspired soup again, and I might accidentally produce a much less appetizing, but altogether organic, raw food all on my own, right there at the table.

Consider yourself warned.